Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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