my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
