I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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