i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
