Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
