My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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