im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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