i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
