I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
