im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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