She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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