He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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