So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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