My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
