I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He passed out mid-signature
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
