I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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