I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
