i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
