if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
