go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In other news, I just burned my penis
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
