Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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