i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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