I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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