That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
