i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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