Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
