Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
be right there i have to get my cape
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
