so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
