it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
