I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize