apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
