I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
