I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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