New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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