my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
