You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
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