he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
