Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize