This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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