I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
