that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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