Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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