Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
