A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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