that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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