The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
