wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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