how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
