I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I cockslap morals
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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