??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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