I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
