I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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