I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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