Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
