There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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