So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I want to be your penis for a week.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize