good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
