barbara walters just said penis...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
