she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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