I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
