My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
